I’ve been lying on my bed today since I’ve finished my exam at 1pm. Perhaps it is because of my dieting, lately I’m not feeling emotionally positive. I was thinking about what I should do with my life and why am I not doing as good as others.
Mid March is usually when graduate school send out acceptance to applicants. I am in my second last semester of my undergraduate degree at the University of Michigan. I haven’t apply to any graduate degree yet because I thought it might be a good idea for me to first step into the work place, see how it is like and then go back to school for a master degree. I know where I am heading. What makes me feel a bit confused at the moment is that friends around me doesn’t seem to share same thought as mine when planing their life. They knew they are going straight ahead to grad school right after bachelor’s. So lately I have been seeing them showing off all kinds of acceptance from elite schools, such as MIT, Standford, John Hopkins, etc, you name it.
To be honest I have no reason to jealous because I didn’t even apply to any schools. But I am because I am a highly competitive person. I start to wonder myself, can I do as good as them if I applied? Can I get into the schools that I wished? Am I planing it wrong, that I should have applied to grad school instead of thinking about working? I start to doubt about my abilities and my thinking process start to go wild. Perhaps doubting about myself and feeling confused in life are some of the fun things in growing up. However, I am really lost at what I can do with my life at this moment.
I sit there for almost 3 hours, thinking about what I didn’t do well enough and why I am not as good as others. Then there’s a sudden click in my head saying that just keep doing what I am doing now but try extra hard. Life never owed anyone treats when they really tried their best. The treat will come eventually. Sometimes it is good to be competitive because it is what improves me. Most of the time, trying to compete with others and blaming why am I not as good is a waste of energy because you never know what others have been through.
So I come to the front of my laptop and typing up this post, as a reminder to myself if someday in the future I feel confused or lost or trying to compete with others again, come back here, compare to my old self and tell my future self: You are doing good, but if there’s any things you can doing better, then try to do better now. Using others success as a demo to show where I could possibly head to, then reflect to myself, how I could achieve that.
Yep. I am glad I lay it all out here. It clears my mind so now I could restart my journey again. If you somehow bump into this blog and had been where I am right now, share your thought with my, so I know I am not alone. 🙂